Anatomy of an Oscar Winner

Last year I was writing a screenplay (yes I realize that I have no hope in ever getting a movie made, but it is a creative impulse, sue me) that I had to abandon because another movie that came out was uncomfortably similar. So I thought to myself, why don't I write a sure-fire Oscar winner? It really isn't that hard to think of what kind of things you need to do if you look at previous winners.

1. Set your movie in the past. Since 1990, 12 of 15 Oscar Winners (everything but Silence of the Lambs, American Beauty, and Million Dollar Baby) have been set in the past or in the case of Return of the King, a fantasy world which emulates the past.

2. The movie should be about war and fighting, or have them as part of the story. Since 1990, 8 Best Picture Winners have been about or have the setting of a war, fighting, or fictional battles. For best director, 9 winners.

3. The protagonist or protaginists of the story must face some struggle in order to improve their lives, preferably if they have a mental or physical handicap, are members of a group of persecuted people, be doing something that someone of their stature is not normally allowed to do, or if nothing is "wrong" with the actual person, they should at least be helping one of these people.

Since 1990, we have:

10 Best Actor Winners
10 Best Actress Winners
10 Best Supporting Actor Winners
7 Best Supporting Actress Winners

4. In the case of Best Actress, de-glam is the key. Wear makeup to make yourself less good looking than you really are. Play a boy! Play a girl pretending to be a boy! Play a transexual! Doesn't matter, as long as you're willing to look worse on camera.

Since 1998, 6/7 winners!

5. In the case of Best Actor, you better be facing some mental problems. Drug abuse, anger, suffering, vengeance, being evil, being crazy, mental or physical handicap, disease, you name it. Just definitely do not be normal. Since 1990, 15/15 Winners! It doesn't hurt here if you have a good body of work and people may feel that you "should have won by now."

6. Love stories of some kind never hurt. In 7 of the last 15 best picture winners, a love story was fairly prominent.

So, let's see what my story should be about:

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THE HIDDEN SOLDIER

The story of a Jewish girl who escapes capture from the Gestapo and hides her identity as a woman to join the French Resistance fighting Nazi Germany during World War II. During the war, she meets and falls in love with an American Soldier who is later injured during the Battle of the Bulge. This poignant and heartbreaking story is about her fight against the Nazis in France, and their struggle against the injury he suffers and the morphine addiction he develops following his injury. A triumphant tale about the power of human spirit against the most overwhelming odds. Starring Natalie Portman and Leonardo DiCaprio, directed by Steven Spielberg.

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The only problem with this is that, historically, the Best Original Screenplay Oscar goes to slightly off the normal Oscar pulse, yet critically acclaimed movies that don't quite fit the standard mold but need some kind of consolation prize. In the last 15 years, not a single movie that has won this award fit both criteria 1) and 2). A few "The Piano", "Good Will Hunting", fit criteria 3), but it's more along the lines of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", "Lost In Translation", "Talk to Her", "Almost Famous", things that don't generally fit your typical Oscar movie. So what would I win? Nothing!